Let me start by underlining that I am writing my own experience and understanding of the journey towards and through fatherhood.
We are all the same and, simultaneously, all individuals with unique genetics and perceptions of reality. It’s a window into my soul and vulnerability, which you can love or hate. My motivation for this is to share, and maybe someone will learn or enjoy my stories. I am an everyday human living in western society which has chosen to love, care and have a family.
In the middle of June 2021, we found out that we are pregnant. That made me happy and afraid at the same time. We had been worried that it might not work and that we would have to try many times. All that worry for nothing. On our second try, we got pregnant! Immediately I felt like protecting my girlfriend. For me, it is a strong feeling of care for her and her pregnancy. I have to admit that for me, it has affected our intimacy and sex life. It was strange being intimate the first time after knowing she was pregnant. My lust reduced, and it felt like I was hurting the embryo. Later I learned it is normal to be worried and that it isn’t dangerous. Take your time. It’s new for both of you.
So let’s get to why I am motivated to write about my fate of becoming a father and creating my own family.
I was born 17.08.1987 in a small town called Hammerfest in the northern parts of Norway. It’s a cold environment, and the people I grew up with were, despite the cold full of warmth.
My father left me as soon as I came to this world. He was absent, and I have learned that he chose to not take care of me. You see. There is something deep inside of me that I haven’t fulfilled. I wasn’t so lucky to have a father growing up. Fortunately, I have had different father figures and a strong family taking care of me. It is hard to be public about this because it hurts. Not in the crying victim kind of way, but because I don’t know what it means to have a father and it worries me to be one. That said, I have had a caring mother, and unfortunately, she died when I was nine years old.
My aunt told me that I had drawn a picture of my family gathered except me during a visit to a child psychologist. I was far from the others all alone. That was the start of my way of processing the grief after losing my mother. And I was alone. I was searching for the word of the feeling that I missed after I lost my mom. A word I learned, “unconditional love”, is something I will never experience again. What I can do is to give my unconditional love to my future family. That’s as close as it gets. Unconditional love is powerful. So unselfish, so pure. I have persisted in my grief and in some way overcome it. It will always be there, and it will be good and hard times. The one thing you so dearly miss is the comforting feeling of having someone who will love you no matter what. Everything else you can handle with time and reflection. The truth hits you hard knowing you have no one else but yourself. That is the harsh reality that so many won’t accept.
Growing up without a father has given me a strong motivation for being one. Something in me wants to be angry and leans towards hate. But after years of reflection, I feel bad for my biological father. During his mid-20s, he managed to impregnate three women in one and a half years. I have a younger brother who is a teacher and a father. I have an older sister that I still haven’t met that has a handicap. And I have two sisters that live in my hometown Alta which I have met, and we have just started to get to know each other. I haven’t learned the whole story to his defence, and when I was visiting him, he was reluctant to tell me the story. I hope one day that we can talk about it so it can be put to rest and straightened out.
I can’t comprehend how it must be to have three children you haven’t seen growing up. It’s essential to understand how choices are made in life and the consequences of it. And if a choice goes terrible. Have the decency to stand up for it and own it.
I picture myself holding hands with my child as we walk down a track in the woods or taking a bath in one of the warm waters outside of Oslo during summer.
I look forward to teaching my child life lessons and being the best father I can be. I am looking forward to struggles, ups and downs, laughter, sadness, happiness, and frustration.
I have lost most of my memories from my childhood. If I concentrate and focus, I can find something. It takes a considerable effort to dive into my memories as a child. After my mothers’ death, I coped with displacing my experiences and memories. It motivates me to know that I can create memories for my child and family.
Thank you for reading.
-Knut
K F Olsen 